always a more beautiful answer

My life is not perfect. I make a lot of mistakes. Sometimes, I stumble and fall. I am a work in progress. And when I remember that simple fact, I am better for the experience.

It's easy to start on a path of change and get so busy doing what we need to do that we forget to stop, breathe, and acknowledge the effort we've already made. We forget to honor our own healing journey.

Healing is hard work. It takes great effort to stay on a path that leads to purposeful self-discovery. It takes energy - persistent energy - to be an active participant in the creation of our lives. A healing path requires having the courage to shine a light or allow a light to shine on parts of ourselves that we'd rather keep private. It means having the courage to see the work that still needs to be done. Honoring our healing journey invites us to appreciate the effort that has been made.

It's important to heal and to honor the work done.

~Francine Ward

This life is brilliant.

Such rapid growth...I feel like the grade-schooler looking at her baby booties, amazed I ever used to fit into such small frames of mind.

I have reached a new level of self-acceptance and love that is incredibly freeing.

More later. For now, photos!
The rose garden at nearby McKinley Park is in full bloom, here's a sample:


OH HAI.


( more (and me!) )

So in light of my recent entries, it's pretty obvious that I have body issues and where they come from. I came across the following meditation in my recovery readings and have found that it catalyzed a connection to my body that I haven't felt before.
I know there are several people on my friends list who have similar (and dissimilar) body issues, and I would really love to share this meditation with all of you.

Please, try it every day for at least four days in a row and notice the difference you feel...and you will feel a difference, I promise.
Even better, let me know if you tried it and how it affected you.





The exercise that follow was created by a well-known teacher of self-esteem, Jack Canfield (1985), and is a very effective way to reinforce the habit of experiencing the body with appreciation. The exercise takes about thirty minutes. Read it slowly, or have someone read it to you slowly, in a quiet place where you will be undisturbed.

Body Appreciation Meditation

Welcome. Find a comfortable position, either sitting up in a chair or lying on your back on the floor or on a bed. Take a moment to get comfortable. And become aware of your body now... You may wish to stretch various parts of your body... your arms, your legs, your neck, or your back... just to heighten your awareness of your body. And now begin to take a few deeper, longer, and slower breaths... inhaling though your nose and exhaling through your mouth, if you are able to do that. And continue the long, slow rhythmic breathing...

Now, let's take a few moments to focus on and appreciate your body. Feel the air coming in and out of your lungs, bringing you life energy. Be aware that your lungs go on breathing, even when you are not aware of them... breathing in and out, all day long, all night long, even when you sleep... breathing in oxygen, breathing in fresh pure air, breathing out the waste products, cleansing and restoring the entire body, a constant inflow and outflow of air... just like the ocean, like the tide coming in and going out. And so just now, send a beautiful and radiant white light and love to your lungs and realize that ever since you took your first breath your lungs have been there for you. No matter what we do, they still keep breathing in and out, all day long. Now become aware of your diaphragm, that muscle below your lungs that goes up and down and continually allows your lungs to breathe... and send light and love to your diaphragm.

Now become aware of your heart. Feel it and appreciate it. Your heart is a living miracle. It keeps beating ceaselessly, never asking for anything, a tireless muscle that continues to constantly serve you... sending life-giving nutrients throughout your body to every cell. What a beautiful and powerful instrument! Day in and day out your heart has been beating. And so see your heart surrounded by white light and warmth, and say silently, "I love you and I appreciate you," to your heart.

( Read more... )

Practice Increases Affect

This exercise can be quite powerful, and its effectiveness often increases with practice. As one relaxes and practices, useful feelings and insights may arise. Although the feelings that are experienced are usually quite pleasant, this may not always be the case. For example, one student became tearful the first time she practiced this exercise, particularly when she tried to appreciate her legs. She had wanted, as a youth, to be a dancer, but her legs had been seriously burned in a fire. She realized that she still had anger about the accident and had hated her legs ever since the accident. She determined to release the anger and negative feelings toward her body, and the next time was able to enjoy this exercise greatly. So keep practicing, and expect the benefits to increase over time.

(chapter from the Self-Esteem Workbook by Glenn R. Schiraldi, Ph.D.)

man oh man.



i am on to something
something amazing and organic and magical

i feel quietly exuberant...and am finding my voice
i have to baby-step into full release
but i am on the right path
it's like in chaos theory, the idea of dissipative structures
where there is chaos, spontaneous order emerges.
like the whirlpool of water down the drain.
i am learning to stop trying to harness the chaos
to accept it, not become attached to it
to only alter it when it is disabling...
and when that happens, to shift to self-care.

as i accept and embrace and let go
i am amazed to learn that growth comes without me having to shove myself into it.
all the criticism and unrelenting standards and all the resulting anxiety.
the vacancy of love and nurturance.

i choose to nurture this chaos, this wild reality
I am the sky and everything it holds
the winds, the storm and rain and lightning.
I am the sunrise and the sunset.


I am organic and growing.
I am SAFE and I trust.
I am valuable and valid.
I am growing stronger and wilder every day.


There is so much to share, and it has been so long I have forgotten how to do so.
I accept the difficulty. I am okay with not writing coherent entries right now. I'm writing. How can I complain?

I don't apologize. I am no longer sorry for making anything less than a perfect mark...I embrace process and this is valid. I can relax and play.

There is exuberance here, a deep knowing. I am safe and exploring and curious and able to learn...and not just learn "what" or "why" but HOW. For the first time, I am safe and nurtured enough to learn HOW. I am not afraid. I am ready. I am powerful. BIG.



I am on my true path, and there is joy in walking. Joy in movement.

I have been living in the same house for 23 years, and have suddenly discovered that what I thought was a one-bedroom home is actually a mansion with a forest in the backyard and an ocean inside. IT IS MINE and IT IS SAFE TO EXPLORE.
I opened a door to a room and discovered a deep pool of sorrow. It is my sorrow, it is safe. I slowly waded in. I didn't sink or drown, I floated on my back and stared up at the ceiling, feeling the wetness. I cried.
And then toweled off and departed, loving closing the door behind me. "I know where you are now," I whispered to the water as I softly closed the door.

I am cleansed...and I know where to go.
And I know there are so many more doors to open, and windows
and the halls are mine
I can run up and down the halls, windows open and sun streaming in,
singing and shouting and being wild
and i can bathe in sorrow
and rage in anger
and when i am tired i can fall down on the bed
warm and glowing and spent
and it is safe to SLEEP

the night is mine
and the day
and this is HOME. MINE.

and in the morning, rested, i can paint and decorate and fill the rooms, and tend the gardens, swim in the ocean and fall into bed again



This rings so unbelievably TRUE.

i must share pictures of my kitty. because she's fuzzy and cute.

In this task-oriented culture, one of the real dangers is to slip into an episodic mode of living. What I mean is, the happenings of our day-to-day lives can become episodic, one after another, like the episodes of a soap opera. In a soap opera, there is always something happening, but nothing ever really happens. In every episode there is drama--activity takes place, words are muttered, but nothing really happens. People abusing one another, people using one another, people talking about one another, people plotting and scheming, but nothing meaningful ever happens. Their lives are filled with superficialities, and they are constantly restless and miserable. There is no theme, no thread---just another entertaining episode.

When the days and weeks of our lives become like this, we grow depressed, disillusioned, and miserably unhappy. The reason is that without a clear sense of the purpose and meaning of our lives, the emptiness is overwhelming. We try to fill the void with pleasure and possessions, but the emptiness is unaffected by such trivialities. There are moments of pleasure, but they are brief in a long succession of twenty-four-hour days.

...

The individual experiences of our lives cannot be separated from the whole. Life is not a series of separate episodes. All of life's experiences thus far have played a part in the person you are right now. The common reaction to this statement is to recall some negative or abusive event in our past and use it as an excuse for the person we are today. Such adoptions of victimhood is one of the most destructive spirits at work in the human psyche in these modern times.

Victimhood denies the great truth that life is choices.

The point I am really trying to make here is that we are not a composite of everything that has ever happened to us, but rather what happens in our lives is almost always a result of those things we habitually think and those things we habitually do. Life is the fruit of discipline, or lack of it. We are our habits.

...

Life is the gathering of truth. Any truth we discover must not be allowed to remain isolated in one area of our lives, and certainly must not be allowed to remain merely in our minds. Rather, any truth life reveals to us must filter into every aspect of our lives, like blood to the cells of the body. Life is one. Truth should be lived.

What we do in the span of our lives may bring us financial rewards, status, fame, power, and unimaginable possessions, but lasting happiness and fulfillment are not the by-products of doing and having.

The truth is a startling contrast to the present culture's credo.

Who you become is infinitely more important than what you do or what you have.

The meaning and purpose of life is for you to become the-best-version-of-yourself.

...

It is the quest to improve ourselves, to be all we are capable of being, to test our limits, and to grow steadily toward the-best-version-of-ourselves that bring meaning to our lives. Embrace this one solitary truth, and it will change you life more than anything you have ever learned.

~Matthew Kelly, The Rhythm of Life

Women Take Back the Night

The Women Take Back the Night march on the capitol is tomorrow night. Every woman in the Sacramento area should come!

Information for Sacramento.

In addition, bring yourself and all of your girlfriends (or every woman you know) to my house at 5:00 (the march starts at 7:00). I live literally 5 blocks from the Capitol. Email me for information: action.potential@gmail.com.
Please bring food and anything (information, stories, activities) you would like to share with other women in our community.

Feel free to repost this...just make sure that you try to include all of the linked information.

For men: You can stop rape, too.

A lot has been said about how to prevent rape.
Women should learn self-defense. Women should lock themselves in their houses after dark. Women shouldn't have long hair and women shouldn't wear short skirts. Women shouldn't leave drinks unattended. Fuck, they shouldn't dare to get drunk at all.

Instead of that, how about:

If a woman is drunk, don't rape her.
If a woman is walking alone at night, don't rape her.
If a women is drugged and unconscious, don't rape her.
If a woman is wearing a short skirt, don't rape her.
If a woman is jogging in a park at 5 am, don't rape her.
If a woman looks like your ex-girlfriend you're still hung up on, don't rape her.
If a woman is asleep in her bed, don't rape her.
If a woman is asleep in your bed, don't rape her.
If a woman is doing her laundry, don't rape her.
If a woman is in a coma, don't rape her.
If a woman changes her mind in the middle of or about a particular activity, don't rape her.
If a woman is not yet a woman, but a child, don't rape her.
If your girlfriend or wife is not in the mood, don't rape her.
If your step-daughter is watching tv, don't rape her.
If you break into a house and find a woman there, don't rape her.

If your friend thinks it's okay to rape someone, tell him it's not, and that he's not your friend.
If your "friend" tells you he raped someone, report him to the police.
If your frat-brother or another guy at the party tells you there's an unconscious woman upstairs and it's your turn, don't rape her, call the police and tell the guy he's a rapist.
Tell your sons, god-sons, nephews, grandsons, sons of friends it's not okay to rape someone.


Don't tell your women friends how to be safe and avoid rape. ETA: Don't give your women friends trite advice on how to avoid rape.
Don't imply that she could have avoided it if she'd only done/not done x.
Don't imply that it's in any way her fault.
Don't let silence imply agreement when someone tells you he "got some" with the drunk girl.
Don't perpetuate a culture that tells you that you have no control over or responsibility for your actions. You can, too, help yourself.

I just bought a new laptop. Expect an update tomorrow.

All is well. I haven't been checking up on LJ, so let me know what I missed!

Okay. First, Uncommongoods.com comes out with DNA jewelry. This is hard enough for me to resist.




NOW: Molecular jewelry! And not just any old molecules...neurotransmitters! (Serotonin and dopamine).
If someone doesn't get me these for Christmas, I'll cry. ...or more likely, just buy them for myself.



Cant. Resist.

I'm a bracelet and necklace girl...I wouldn't wear the earrings that much, but that Serotonin necklace would be a staple, to say the least.

(p.s.: oh, lord I'm in trouble.)

(thanks, j03j03)

Day No. 1:

And the Lord God said, “Let there be light,” and lo, there was light. But then the Lord God said, “Wait, what if I make it a sort of rosy, sunset-at-the-beach, filtered half-light, so that everything else I design will look younger?”

“I’m loving that,” said Buddha. “It’s new.”

“You should design a restaurant,” added Allah.


Day No. 2:

“Today,” the Lord God said, “let’s do land.” And lo, there was land.

“Well, it’s really not just land,” noted Vishnu. “You’ve got mountains and valleys and—is that lava?”

“It’s not a single statement,” said the Lord God. “I want it to say, ‘Yes, this is land, but it’s not afraid to ooze.’ ”

“It’s really a backdrop, a sort of blank canvas,” put in Apollo. “It’s, like, minimalism, only with scale.”

“But—brown?” Buddha asked.

“Brown with infinite variations,” said the Lord God. “Taupe, ochre, burnt umber—they’re called earth tones.”

“I wasn’t criticizing,” said Buddha. “I was just noticing.”

( the rest of creation )

INTELLIGENT DESIGN
by PAUL RUDNICK
Issue of 2005-09-26
Posted 2005-09-19

my heart aches for new orleans.

i only lived in louisiana for three years when i was very young...i can't imagine how it feels to those who grew up there, to those who live(d) there.

devastation.

the Wit (60% dark, 34% spontaneous, 16% vulgar)

your humor style: CLEAN | COMPLEX | DARK You like things edgy, subtle, and smart. I guess that means you're probably an intellectual, but don't take that to mean you're pretentious. You realize 'dumb' can be witty--after all isn't that the Simpsons' philosophy?--but rudeness for its own sake, 'gross-out' humor and most other things found in a fraternity leave you totally flat. I guess you just have a more cerebral approach than most. You have the perfect mindset for a joke writer or staff writer. Your sense of humor takes the most effort to appreciate, but it's also the best, in my opinion. Also, you probably loved the Office. If you don't know what I'm talking about, check it out here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/theoffice/. PEOPLE LIKE YOU: Jon Stewart - Woody Allen - Ricky Gervais

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 66% on dark You scored higher than 17% on spontaneous You scored higher than 11% on vulgar

Link: The 3 Variable Funny Test written by jason_bateman on Ok Cupid

We've grown so distant.

I'm going to be updating a bit more in the near future, I think...more personal/emotional/spiritual entries again, like I used to back in the day.
I'd like to be more involved with you guys, too.



If you want to stay on my friends list, let me know here.

extreme science fair; in case anyone's interested.


TLC's First Ever Extreme Science Fair

Extreme Science Fair is a TV showcase for maverick science and renegade technology.

Extreme Science Fair will be an exhibition for scientific experiments that are truly spectacular.

They will be:

Loud
Explosive
Visual
Electrifying
Intimidating
Heretical
Anomalous
Intense ...

... and from a scientific viewpoint, simply fascinating.

We are looking for experiments that are awe-inspiring, larger-than-life and just a few degrees this side of out of control.

Some examples might be experiments that create fire tornados, infrasound shock waves, megavolts of direct current, new methods of propulsion, robotic exoskeletons, and/or display the raw power of the physical universe. The only limit is your imagination.

All in the name of science.

( top 10 reasons why sex at the speed of light is not an advisable form of procreation )

AND

( the butterfly swimmer effect )

from The Joy of Sexual Physics
"Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics"

despite what the republicans are saying, this was not a "landslide."

now, it's time to:
transform greed into generosity.
transform hatred into love and compassion.
transform ignorance into clarity and attention.

i voted, but the DMV didn't update my registration like they said they would, so it was a provisional ballot...which doesn't get counted in time to, well, count.

not that it mattered, because california went democratic, anyway
and most of the nation did not.


i wish my sense of sorrow for the world and for my country was limited to just the next four years...but there will be three supreme court justice openings during this next term...so this election will leave a life-long mark on my right to choose, on marraige rights, and who knows what else.


you know what this means? it's so much more important to stay involved now. to educate yourself and to educate others. get involved in organizations that actively pursue legislation regarding the issues you care about. the presidential election is all glamour...we need to take action at a local level to affect change.


...everyone should read this and this.

The Mad Scientist's Chocolate Chip Cookie Recipe
Ingredients:

1. 532.35 cm3 gluten
2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3. 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4. 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6. 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10. 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two, and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredients nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction. Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 mm x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25°C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.


ew...but no #10. no legumes in my cookies!

Treasure everything you have in the moment, because it is only here in the moment.

Be unattached to to everything you have in the moment, because it is only here in the moment.

Balance these in the moment and you are on the Middle Path.

October 19

Self-Confidence

I am often surprised and humbled by how quickly in my insecurity I can begin to assume responsibility for all the wrongs and sufferings I see around me. When thrown off-center, when old patterns return, when feeling exhausted or depressed, I so quickly become the exaggerated cause of all that is not right with the world.

I know I am not alone in this. Perhaps it is one of the laws of emotional weather: sudden lows result in isolated storms. It has happened to me enough over the years that I have to acknowledge the power of negative self-centeredness. We typically think of the ego-centered as being conceited and self-inflated and quite selfish. But this recurring struggle with exaggerated responsibility has made me realize that more often we are ego-centered when feeling deflated, when feeling shaken from our sense of oneness with things. In that place of separation, we become darkly self-centered, blaming ourselves for not fixing things or making things right or for letting bad things happen. Underneat these self-recriminations is the grandiose assumption that we have the power, in the first place, to control events that are really beyond any human being's influence.

Certainly, we affect each other, and often, but to assume that other people's inner moods hinge on my presence is an egocentric way to keep myself in a cycle of sacrifice and guilt. Further, to assume that another's condition or way of being in the world hinges on my presence is the beginning of self-oppression and codependence. In extreme moments of negative self-centeredness, we can even assume magical proportions of burden, in which we feel acutely responsible for a loved one's illness or misfortune because we weren't good enough or there enough or perfect enough.

It is helpful to not here psychologist Michael Mahoney's definition of self-confidence. He traces confidence to the Latin confidere, "fidelity," and understands self-confidence as a fidelity to the self. Indeed, it is only a devotion to that sacred bottom beneath our moods of insecurity that brings us back in accord with the center of the heart which shares the same living center with all beings. This is what the Hindu tradition calls Atman, the shared immortal self.

So now, when I trip into moments of low-esteem and feel certain taht I am the cause of all this bad weather, I try to feel the pace of the Earth turning beneath my feet and the pace of the clouds drifting over my head and the pace of my heart opening after a lifetime of pain. When these align, I am weakened of my ordinary will and awakened into a power greater than any one heart, greater than the weather of any one day or the mood of any one life.

--Mark Nepo, the Book of Awakening

act without doing;
work without effort.
think of the small as large
and the few as many.
confront the difficult
while it is still easy;
accomplish the great task
by a series of small acts.

the Master never reaches for the great;
thus she achieves greatness.
when she runs into a difficulty,
she stops and gives herself to it.
she doesn't cling to her own comfort;
thus problems are no problem for her.

tao te ching

neat.
is your conception of god consistent with itself?
is your conception of god consistent with the universe that we live in?

also: battleground god.

because the speed of light is finite, you can see only a limited slice of the universe. your position in spacetime is unique, so your slice is slightly different from everyone else's. although there is no external observer who has access to all the information out there, we can still construct a meaningful portrait of the universe based on the partial information we each receive. it's a beautiful thought: we each have our own universe. but there's a lot of overlap.
amanda gelter/fotini markopoulou kalamara

As I walk in the cemetery,
I read the tombstones one by one;
Although only a few lines each,
To a careful eye they tell many stories.

All the things that we worry about,
fight for or accomplish,
In the end are reduced to two dates
of birth and death!
When we live we are separated
by status and households;
When we die we come here
to lie down side by side.

The dead are my real teachers;
They teach me through their eternal silence!
A walk through the cemetery
simply dissipates all my worries.
The dead cleanse my mind
by the vivid example of their existence!

Suddenly I see that life could end
at any moment!
Once I realize that I am so close to death
I am instantly free in life.
Why bother to criticize or fight with others?
Let me just be pure in mind
and enjoy living!

Anyone we come across is sure to be
With us for only this moment!
Let us be kind to each other
And make life a merry-go-round!

May all who are lost
in the sorrows and worries of life,
Wake up to the fact
of the closeness of death!
Once you see impermanence
face to face,
You will enjoy peace and freedom
for life!

-- Yutang Lin

interesting....ecological footprint quiz.

food: 5.2 acres
mobility: 0.2 acres
shelter: 3.2 acres
goods/services: 3.2 acres

total footprint: 12

in comparison, the average ecological footprint in your country is 24 acres per person.
worldwide, there exist 4.5 biologically productive acres per person.
if everyone lived like you, we would need 2.7 planets.

Things you have to believe to vote Republican this
year:

1. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime,
unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an
illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

2. The United States should get out of the United
Nations, but our highest national priority is
enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

3. Government should relax regulation of Big Business
and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use
marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.

4. "Standing Tall for America'" means firing your
workers and moving their jobs to India.

5. A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her
own body, but multinational corporations can make
decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

6. Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of
homosexuals, Hillary Clinton, and everyone NOT like you.

7. The best way to improve military morale is to
praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans'
benefits and combat pay.

8. Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless
you someday run for governor of California as a
Republican.

9. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents
won't have sex.

10. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our
longtime allies, then demand their cooperation and
money.

11. HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of
the public at heart.

12. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound
policy. Providing health care to all Americans is
socialism.

13. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are
junk science, but creationism should be taught in
schools.

14. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad
guy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when
Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush
needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.

15. A president lying about a blowjob is
an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist
support for a war in which thousands die is Solid
defense policy.

16. Government should limit itself to the powers named
in the Constitution, which include banning gay
marriages and censoring the Internet.

17. The public has a right to know about Hillary's
cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is
none of our business.

18. You support states' rights, which means Attorney
General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter
initiatives they have a right to adopt.

19. What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital
national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is
irrelevant.

20. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is
communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital
to a spirit of international harmony.

Where We've Been

I have been born again and again
and each time, I have found something
to love. --Gordon Parks

Our ability to find something to love, and to love again for the first time, depends greatly on how we resolve and integrate where we've been before. A great model for us exists in the chambered nautilus, an exquisite shell creature that lives along the ocean floor. The nautilus is a deep-sea form of life that inches like a soft man in a a hard shell finding his prayers along the bottom. Over time it builds a spiral shell, but always lives in the newest chamber.

The other chambers, they say, contain a gas or liquid that helps the nautilus control its buoyancy. Even here, a mute lesson in how to use the past: live in the most recent chamber and use the others to stay afloat.

Can we, in this way build strong chambers for our traumas: not living there, but breaking our past down till it is fluid enough to lose most of its weight? Can we internalize where we've been enough to know that we are no longer living there? When we can, life will seem lighter.

It is not by accident that the nautilus turns its slow digestion of the bottom into a body that can float. It tells us that only time can put the past in perspective, and only when the past is behind us, and not before us, can we be open enough and empty enough to truly feel what is about to happen. Only by living in the freshest chamber of the heart can we love again and again for the first time.


Unconditional Love

Unconditional love is not so much about how
we receive and endure each other, as it is
about the deep vow to never, under any
condition, stop bringing the flawed truth of who
we are to each other.

Much is said about unconditional love today, and I fear that it has been misconstrued as an extreme form of "turning the other cheek," which to anyone who has been abused is not good advice. However, this exaggerated passivity is quite different from the unimpeded flow of love that carries who we are.

In truth, unconditional love does not require a passive acceptance of whatever happens in the name of love. Rather, in the real spaces of our daily relationships, it means maintaining a commitment that no condition will keep us from bringing all of who we are to each other honestly.

For example, on any given day, I might be preoccupied with my own needs, and might overlook or bruise what you need and hurt you. But then you tell me and show me your hurt, and I feel bad, and you accept that sometimes I go blind to those around me. But we look deeply on each other, and you accept my flaws, but not my behavior, and I am grateful for the chance to work on myself. Somehow, it all brings us closer.

Unconditional love is not the whole in us that receives the dirt, but the sun within that never stops shining.


Learning How to Float

When we stop struggling, we float.

When first learning how to swim, I didn't trust the deep. No matter how many assuring voices I heard from shore, I strained and flapped to keep my chin above the surface. It exhausted me, and only when exhausted did I relax enough to immerse myelf to the point that I could feel the cradle of the deep keep me afloat.

I've come to understand that this is the struggle we all replay between doubt and faith. When thrust into any situation over our head, our reflex is to fight with all our might the terrible feeling that we are sinking. Yet the more we resist, the more we feel our own weight and wear ourselves out.

At times like this, I remember learning to float. Mysteriously, it required letting almost all of me rest below the surface before the deep would hold me up. It seems to me, almost forty years later, that the practice of finding our faith is very much like that--we need to rest enough of ourselves below the surface of things until we find ourselves upheld.

This is very hard to do. But the essence of trust is believing you will be held up if you let go. And though we can practive relaxing our fear and meeting the deep, there is no real way to prepare for letting go other than to just let go.

Once immersed, once below the surface, it is not by chance that things slow down, go clear, feel weightless. Perhaps faith is nothing more than taking the risk to rest below the surface.

That we can't stay there only affirms that we must choose the deep again and again in order to live fully. That we must move through the sense of sinking before being upheld is what trusting the Universe is all about.

--Mark Nepo

..it never takes me long to feel better. i wonder what that means?

Straying

So hard to feel the stone and not the ripple.
The moment we stray from where we are, we create a tension between two places--where we are and where we are thinking of being. It is this tension that blocks us from the sensation of being fully alive, because being split in our attention prevents us from being authentic--even though managing many tasks at once (being skillful in splitting our attention) is considered intelligent.

For each of us, straying from where we are and coming back is a never-ending task, very much like blinking or breathing. When we incorporate this fullness of attention into out daily lives, we seldom notice it. But if we should interrupt our flow of being, we will stumble just as surely as if we were to stop seeing or breathing.

That we stray from the moment is not surprising. The more crucial thing is that we return.

Returning

We carry a center that is alway returning
We all stray from the moment in particular ways. If we meet someone and begin a new relationship, it isn't long before we're walking hand in hand, while wondering if we will sleep together; and if and when we do, we are wondering if we will live together; and if and when we do, we are wondering if we will have children--and on and on.

This happens with fear and pain as well. In diagnosis, I feared surgery. In surgery, I feared treatment. In treatment, I feared stronger treatment. In recovery, I fear recurrence.

No one can avoid this straying, but our health depends on the breath that stops us from straying further. No matter how far we've gone, it is the practice of returning to whatever moment we are living now that restores us, because only when fully in each moment can we draw strength from the Oneness of things.

--Mark Nepo

blackbird singing in the dead of night
take these broken wings and learn to fly
all your life
you were only waiting for this moment to arise

blackbird singing in the dead of night
take these sunken eyes and learn to see
all your life
you were only waiting for this moment to be free

blackbird fly
blackbird fly
into the light of the dark black night

blackbird fly
blackbird fly
into the light of the dark black night.

blackbird singing in the dead of night
take these broken wings and learn to fly
all your life
you were only waiting for this moment to arise
you were only waiting for this moment to arise
you were only waiting for this moment to arise

the beatles | blackbird

future butterfly
gonna spend the day
higher than high
you'll be beautiful confusion
oh once i was you

i saw you caught between
all the people out
making the scene
and a bright ideal tomorrow
oh don't go too far
stay who you are

everybody knows
everybody knows
everybody knows
you only live a day
but it's brilliant anyway

i saw you
in a perfect place
it's gonna happen soon
but not today
so go to sleep
and make the change
i'll meet you here tomorrow

independence day
independence day
independence day

elliot smith | independence day

Images courtesy of STScI / NASA
the universe is love

( code )

slightly tweaked from this version.

not
christian or jew or
muslim, not hindu
buddhist, sufi, or zen.
not any religion

or cultural system. i am
not from the east
or the west, not
out of the ocean or up

from the ground, not
natural or ethereal, not
composed of elements at all.
i do not exist,

am not an entity in this
world or the next,
did not descend from
adam and eve or any

origin story. my place is
the placeless, a trace
of the traceless.
neither body or soul.

i belong to the beloved,
have seen the two
worlds as one and
that one
call to and know,

first, last, outer, inner,
only that breath breathing
human being.
--Rumi




i am
dust particles in the sunlight.
i am the round sun.

to the bits of dust i say, stay.
to the sun, keep moving.

i am the morning mist,
and the breathing of evening.

i am wind in the top of a grove,
and surf on the cliff.

mast, rudder, helmsman, and keel,
i am also the coral reef they founder on.

i am a tree with a trained parrot in its branches.
silence, thought, and voice.

the musical air coming through a flute,
a spark off a stone, a flickering in metal.

both candle and the moth
crazy around it.

rose and the nightingale
lost in the fragrance.

i am all orders of being,
the circling galaxy,

the evolutionary intelligence,
the lift and the falling away.

what is and what isn't. you
who know jelaluddin, you

the One in all, say who i am.
say i am you.

--Rumi

we were talking
about the space between us all
and the people
who hide themselves behind a wall
of illusion
never glimpse the truth
when it's far too late
when they pass away

we were talking about the love we all could share
when we find it
to try our best to hold it there
(with our love)
with our love we could save the world
if they only knew.

try to realise its all within yourself
no one else can make you change
and to see you're really only very small
and life goes on within you
and without you

*

we were talking
about the love thats gone so cold
and the people
who gain the world and lose their soul
they don't know
they can't see..
are you one of them?

when you've seen beyond yourself
then you may find peace of mind is waiting there
and the time will come when you see
we're all one and life goes on within you and without you

from the Nuclear Age Peace Foundation

1. Be generous with your smiles.


2. Commit daily acts of kindness.


3. Respect the Earth.


4. Walk in a forest.


5. Plant a tree.


6. Contemplate a mountain.


7. Don't pollute.


8. Live simply.


9. Skip a meal each week, and send $5.00 to an organization helping the hungry.


10. Erase a border in your mind.


11. Teach peace to children.


12. Read Chief Seattle's Letter to the President.
( if we all aimed to do just one or two a day, think of where we'd be... )

Where do you fall on the liberal - conservative political spectrum? (United States)
brought to you by Quizilla

GEORGE W. BUSH
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20520

EDUCATION AND EXPERIENCE:
Law Enforcement:
I was arrested in Kennebunkport, Maine, in 1976 for driving under the influence of alcohol. I pled guilty, paid a fine, and had my driver's license suspended for 30 days. My Texas driving record has been "lost" and is not available.

Military:
I joined the Texas Air National Guard and went AWOL. I refused to take a drug test or answer any questions about my drug use. By joining the Texas Air National Guard, I was able to avoid combat duty in Vietnam.

College:
I graduated from Yale University with a low C average. I was a cheerleader.

PAST WORK EXPERIENCE:
I ran for U.S. Congress and lost. I began my career in the oil business in Midland, Texas, in 1975. I bought an oil company, but couldn't find any oil in Texas. The company went bankrupt shortly after I sold all my stock.

I bought the Texas Rangers baseball team in a sweetheart deal that took land using taxpayer money. With the help of my father and our friends in the oil industry (including Enron CEO Ken Lay), I was elected governor of Texas.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS GOVERNOR OF TEXAS:
I changed Texas pollution laws to favor power and oil companies, making Texas the most polluted state in the Union. During my tenure, Houston replaced Los Angeles as the most smog-ridden city in America.

I cut taxes and bankrupted the Texas treasury to the tune of billions in borrowed money. I set the record for the most executions by any governor in American history.

PRESIDENT:

With the help of my brother, the governor of Florida, and my father's appointments to the Supreme Court, I became President after losing by over 500,000 votes.

ACCOMPLISHMENTS AS PRESIDENT:
I am the first President in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record. I invaded and occupied two countries at a continuing cost of over one billion dollars per week.

I spent the U.S. surplus and effectively bankrupted the U.S. Treasury. I shattered the record for the largest annual deficit in U.S. history. I set an economic record for most private bankruptcies filed in any 12-month period. I set the all-time record for most foreclosures in a 12-month period. I set the all-time record for the biggest drop in the history of the U.S. stock market.

In my first year in office, over 2 million Americans lost their jobs and that trend continues every month. I'm proud that the members of my cabinet are the richest of any administration in U.S. history. My "poorest millionaire," Condoleeza Rice, has a Chevron oil tanker named after her.

I set the record for most campaign fundraising trips by a U.S. President. I am the all-time U.S. and world record-holder for receiving the most corporate campaign donations. My largest lifetime campaign contributor, and one of my best friends, Kenneth Lay, presided over the largest corporate bankruptcy fraud in U.S. History, Enron.

My political party used Enron private jets and corporate attorneys to assure my success with the U.S. Supreme Court during my election decision. I have protected my friends at Enron and Halliburton against investigation or prosecution. More time and money was spent investigating the Monica Lewinsky affair than has been spent investigating one of the biggest corporate rip-offs in history. I presided over the biggest energy crisis in U.S. history and refused to intervene when corruption involving the oil industry was revealed. I presided over the highest gasoline prices in U.S. history.

I changed the U.S. policy to allow convicted criminals to be awarded government contracts. I appointed more convicted criminals to administration than any President in U.S. history. I created the Ministry of Homeland security, the largest bureaucracy in the history of the United States government with little to show for it.

I've broken more international treaties than any President in U.S. history. I am the first President in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission. I withdrew the U.S. from the World Court of Law. I refused to allow inspector's access to U.S. "prisoners of war" detainees and thereby have refused to abide by the Geneva Convention. I am the first President in history to refuse United Nations election inspectors (during the 2002 U.S. election).

I set the record for fewest numbers of press conferences of any President since the advent of television. I set the all-time record for most days on vacation in any one-year period. After taking off the entire month of August, I presided over the worst security failure in U.S. history. I garnered the most sympathy for the U.S. after the World Trade Center attacks and within a year later made the U.S. the most hated country in the world, the largest failure of diplomacy in world history.

I have set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously protest me in public venues (15 million people), shattering the record for protests against any person in the history of mankind. I am the first President in U.S. history to order an unprovoked, pre-emptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation. I did so against the will of the
United Nations, the majority of U.S. citizens, and the overwhelming world community.

I have cut health care benefits for war veterans and supported a cut in duty benefits for active duty troops and their families -- in wartime. In my State of the Union Address, I lied about our reasons for attacking Iraq and then blamed the lies on our British friends. I am the first President in history to have a majority of Europeans (71%) view my presidency as the biggest threat to world peace and security. I am supporting development of nuclear "Tactical Bunker Buster," a weapon of Mass Destruction. I have so far failed to fulfill my pledge to bring Osama Bin Laden to justice.

RECORDS AND REFERENCES:
All records of my tenure as governor of Texas are now in my father's library, sealed and unavailable for public view. All records of SEC investigations into my insider trading and my bankrupt companies are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public view. All records or minutes from meetings that I, or my Vice-President, conducted regarding public energy policy are sealed in secrecy and unavailable for public review.


PLEASE CONSIDER MY EXPERIENCE and RECORD WHEN VOTING IN 2004.
George W. Bush

the brain—is wider than the sky—
for—put them side by side—
the one the other will contain
with ease—and you—beside—

the brain is deeper than the sea—
for—hold them—blue to blue—
the one the other will absorb—
as sponges—buckets—do—

the brain is just the weight of God—
for—heft them—pound for pound—
and they will differ—if they do—
as syllable from sound—

-Emily Dickinson

"Discrimination is something that many of us know, and there were times when we wanted to cry out for justice. You might be tempted by violent means in order for injustice to be removed. There are very many of us who are seeking non-violent means in order to remove injustice and discrimination imposed on us. Sometimes those discriminating against us act in the name of God, of the truth. We may belong to the third world, or we may belong to a particular race, we may be people of color, we may be gay or lesbian, and we have been discriminated against for thousands of years. So how to work on it, how to liberate ourselves from the suffering of being a victim of discrimination and oppression? In Christianity it is said that God created everything, including man, and there is a distinction made between the creator and the creature. The creature is something created by God. When I look at a rose, a tulip, or a chrysanthemum, I know, I see, I think, that this flower is a creation of God. Because I have been practicing as a Buddhist, I know that between the creator and the created there must be some kind of link, otherwise creation would not be possible. So the chrysanthemum can say that God is a flower, and I agree, because there must be the element "flower" in God so that the flower could become a reality. So the flower has the right to say that God is a flower.

The white person has the right to say that God is white, and the black person also has the right to say that God is black. In fact, if you go to Africa, you’ll see that the Virgin Mary is black. If you don’t make the statue of the Virgin Mary black, it does not inspire people. Because to us the black people, "black is beautiful," so a black person has the right to say that God is black, and in fact I also believe that God is black, but God is not only black, God is also white, God is also a flower. So when a lesbian thinks of her relationship with God, if she practices deeply, she can find out that God is also a lesbian. Otherwise how could you be there? God is a lesbian, that is what I think, and God is gay also. God is no less. God is a lesbian, but also a gay, a black a white, a chrysanthemum. It is because you don’t understand that, that you discriminate.

When you discriminate against the black or the white, or the flower, or the lesbian, you discriminate against God, which is the basic goodness in you. You create suffering all around you, and you create suffering within yourself, and it is delusion, ignorance, that is the basis of your action, your attitude of discrimination. If the people who are victims of discrimination practice looking deeply, they will say that I share the same wonderful relationship with God, I have no complex. Those who discriminate against me, do so because of their ignorance. "God, please forgive them, because they do not know what they are doing." If you reach that kind of insight, you will no longer get angry at that person who discriminates against you, and you might have compassion toward him or her. You will say: "He does not know what he is doing. He is creating a lot of suffering around him and within him. I will try to help him." So your heart opens like a flower and suffering is no longer there, you have no complex at all, and you turn to be a bodhisattva in helping the people who have been discriminating against you. That is the way I see it, out of my practice of looking deeply, so one day I made the statement that God is a lesbian, and this is my insight."

"Very few really seek knowledge in this world. Mortal or immortal, few really ask. On the contrary, they try to ring from the unknown the answers they have already shaped in their own minds--justifications, explanations, forms of consolation without which they can't go on. To really ask is to open the door to the whirlwind. The answer may annihilate the question and the quesetioner."

"I do not fear to be alone or to be spurned for another or to leave whatever I have to leave. And I am not afraid to make a mistake, even a great mistake, a lifelong mistake and perhaps as long as eternity." James Joyce (Portrait of the Artist)

The Washington Post Invitational Contest asked readers to Submit instructions for something written in the style of a famous person and received the following, "The Hokey Pokey" as if written by Shakespeare.

O proud left foot, that ventures quick within
Then soon upon a backward journey lithe.
Anon, once more the gesture, then begin:
Command sinistral pedestal to writhe.
Commence thou then the fervid Hokey-Poke,
A mad gyration, hips in wanton swirl.
To spin! A wilde release from Heaven's yoke.
Blessed dervish! Surely canst go, girl.
The Hoke, the poke -- banish now thy doubt
Verily, I say, 'tis what it's all about.